Avoid Workplace Conflict by Understanding These Communication Behaviors
There are more than 8 billion people on this planet, which means there are more than 8 billion ways to communicate. Different cultural, social, educational, and employment experiences influence how and how much we share our thoughts and needs with others.
When communication leaves us feeling at an impasse, uncomfortable, or unsafe in a social situation, we can remove ourselves and limit or eliminate future encounters. When communication in the workplace makes us feel misunderstood, undervalued, or even threatened, walking away may not be an immediate option.
Recognizing the categories and behaviors that can contribute to productive rather than destructive communication is critical. Not only does this mitigate conflict and minimize leader and/or HR intervention, it can empower employees to cultivate an environment that promotes their well-being and productivity.
“If only our tongues were made of glass, how much more careful we would be when we speak.” –Shaun Shane
You are probably familiar with the major categories of communication: verbal, non-verbal, written, and visual. We use these in a constant mix as appropriate to the situation and our skill or personality. But equally important to the “format” we use to share data and needs is the “feel” of our communication.
What do you think when you hear the term violent communication? It probably evokes something visceral, forceful, painful. Yet “violent” is not necessarily physical–one of its definitions is that of intensity.
Violent forms of communication include:
- Blaming the other person
- Passing judgments that demean the other person
- Making comparisons that belittle a person’s abilities
- Making demands instead of requests
- Denying responsibility for one’s own actions or culpability
- Giving compliments as a form of manipulation or approval
The goal of violent communication is domination, and its impact may be no less harmful than physical violence. In fact, as much as it undermines an individual’s confidence or authority, it can destroy other workplace relationships and productivity as well.
Unfortunately, it is not isolated to an individual, industry, or even a country. According to an International Labour Organization study, nearly 20% of employees worldwide reported experiencing psychological violence and harassment at work.
One solution is to practice, model, and hopefully perpetuate non-violent communication (NVC). If you reframe the characteristics above using NVC, you would:
- Observe the situation and name the specific factors or behaviors that need to be addressed without discussing an individual’s background or character traits, calling them names, or pitting them against other employees.
- Provide context when making a request so the other person understands its relevance and importance the first time.
- If you did it, admit it. We all have slip-ups, but don’t try to justify your action (or inaction). Instead, acknowledge its impact and express how you will fix it going forward.
- Express sincere appreciation or congratulations when your only motivation is to make someone feel good. If you have an agenda or are not sure how your praise will be received, think twice before you speak.
There’s a saying that “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” Actually, both are important if you want to have (and keep) a high-functioning team in a highly productive workplace environment.
“People need to feel safe to be who they are–to speak up when they have an idea, or to speak out when they feel something isn’t right.” — Eunice Parisi-Carew
The welfare of your team members and the work they are doing all rests on a foundation of trust. Beyond the basics of performing work for pay as mutually agreed, you trust you will perform that work in an environment that considers your physical safety and values the skills you bring to the table and your continued ability to perform your duties.
In other words, you trust that you will feel secure in your overall well-being. That sense of psychological safety is disrupted when someone uses violent communication and it goes unchecked or is encouraged in, for example, a workplace culture of sharks.
When communication is only used transactionally–or worse, as a weapon–you lose people’s trust and the opportunity for the kind of respectful diversity of thought and open dialogue that spark improvement, innovation, and growth.
Renowned relationship experts John and Julie Gottman use an apocalyptic analogy– “the four horsemen” — to describe the communication patterns that they say predict the end of a relationship. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Stonewalling is perhaps the most challenging–the communication equivalent of crossed arms and silent treatment that signals someone has shut down or at least shut down the conversation and chosen to retreat as a form of self-preservation. It can happen in workplace relationships when it becomes obvious that communications are biased, that people with differing views are viewed as barriers, and that there is a profound lack of interest in finding the best way to reach bigger objectives.
Assuming you are communicating to educate, inspire, or influence the behavior of your colleagues, you must recognize your responsibility in delivering the message in a way that is more likely to be productively received. And if you want to avoid the end result of “the four horsemen,” it’s important for everyone to understand that this is a shared responsibility, just as it is a shared environment.
It is possible to state your needs, listen to the needs of others, and come up with solutions without it feeling like a cage match. Communication is not a zero-sum game where people are competing and conflict is expected. When it is done well, with empathy and intention, conflict becomes the exception and everyone wins.
In Summary:
- We all bring different things to the table and it is important to remember how cultural, social, educational, and employment experiences influence our communication.
- Verbal, non-verbal, written, and visual are typical forms of communication, but we also have to examine our communication for violent versus nonviolent characteristics.
- Psychological safety not only impacts an individual’s sense of trust; it has far-reaching organizational implications for culture and sustaining relationships and productivity.
- Effective communication is a shared responsibility if you want to reach a common goal with minimal conflict.
Resolving conflict requires that you recognize and remedy the underlying issues. I can help you see if it’s a communications breakdown or if there is something else that needs to be addressed. Learn more about my coaching services here.
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